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Me, me, me!

Scrambled Eggs

Despite my rabid advocation for it, I've always been dubious of therapy.  Logically, I know it works.  There's a lot of evidence based therapy out there.  I have, on the other hand, been on the receiving end of some really terrible therapy that didn't work.  I'm always hopeful and feel as if it's working, but then I revert as soon as it's over.  This goes along with the fact that I'm really mostly convinced that people don't really change.  Not at their core, anyway.  I'm working on believing differently. 

People repeat patterns.  Most people are terribly predictable.  Myself included.  We try.  We make resolutions every January and try to stick to them and then by March, we are all back to our normal selves.  Change isn't easy for people to accomplish.  Not for lack of trying.  Most of the people I know love change and seek it in a lot of ways.  Trying new things or throwing life into a total upheaval.  I'm guilty of this.  In the end, the change doesn't really change the person, just the environment that person is in.

My own environment has changed drastically over the years.  Sometimes I will talk about feeling like the past didn't happen to me, but to someone else and I was watching it like in a dream.  A lot of my own dreams are like that.  It's like I'm watching myself and that I'm two people in the dream.  The person going through the motions and the audience in a dark theater watching an enthralling film.  I think that I often feel that the past doesn't change me.  I'm unsure of that now because of therapy and some strange things I'm noticing.

There was a time when I would be easily influenced by trends and what I perceived as the way people view me.  I would change and morph to fit the circumstances and to fit in.  I'm a pleaser.  I want everyone to like me.  Probably because I need outside validation.  I never trusted my thoughts and feelings and so I never saw myself as good enough.  Something as simple as changing my particular style would make me feel as if I fit in.  Even going as far as to change my interests.  It's not that I was ever faking it.  I wasn't.  I just revel in reinventing myself.  Or, I used to. 

Lately, I'm finding that I have little desire to do this.  I'm starting to think this therapy thing is actually working.  Or has worked as I'm not still actively in therapy, though I am still practicing a lot of the things I learned because it was very involved therapy.  It wasn't about talking of things in the past that made me the way I am and simply waving a want to be cured.  We never really discussed my past in detail at all.  We did things to make me sort of unscramble my messed up logic patterns.  Relearning how to think. 

Maybe I'm finally happy with me.  I used to allow others to change me or dictate how I SHOULD be.  I don't know the reason for sure.  I just know that it's a fun feeling to let go of the desire to be someone new.  I'm figuring out who I really am underneath it all and I'm finding that I kind of like who I am.  I won't label because I used to label myself and I think that was part of the problem.  I just like the intensity of the person buried under all the mess.  I still love the mess, but I didn't know that the person under there was really bright (not as in smart, as in like the sun).  I'm not an incomplete person who needs to fit into society like a puzzle piece.  I'm complete as I am.

Kim HerringComment